2009 has been a very shitty year for me. I lost my job at Circuit City, and I've never had a job since then. The pressure to find a job has never been more intolerable. On top of that, the worst family conflict I've ever experienced in my life happened in this year, and it all started with the birth of a baby. Or maybe it all started as soon as my sister laid eyes on her would-be husband. And the conflict still rages on, at least between my parents (especially my mother) and my brother-in-law. Both sides think they're the right one. Added with the loss of my mother's job, and my suicidal thoughts became more vivid. How can I still justify living in the midst of all this? Financial instability is the worst curse the cursegiver has ever inflicted upon this family, I think. Oh, and I'm still single and lonely.
And while I travel in this dark tunnel of life, I am yet to see even a small light of hope. If asked where I see myself 2, 5, or 10 years from now, I would say in all honesty, "I have no fucking idea." One of my tenets is, "There's no such as a problem without a solution." But "The Solution" eludes me and my family to no end. As I lay on my bed with my nagging neck pain, I wonder if it is somehow, mystically, connected to all these problems, then the problems would go away if the pain goes away. A very ridiculous thought, right? Especially since the pain I feel inside me is more lethal and poisonous than any physical pain. Physical pain is easier to treat than emotional pain. Emotional pain due to the never-ending family war in my apartment and the never-ending money problems, as well as the never-ending loneliness.
If it happens that an ultimate genius with "The Solution" reads this blog, then I beg of you, help me. I just don't know how long I can take any more of this, but I'm definitely running out of time. If the cursegiver happens to read this, then I beg of you, please just stop. Haven't we suffered enough already? And if God's really out there and is reading this right now, I just have a couple of questions: Why? What exactly have I done to deserve this? What exactly has my family done to deserve all of this? Is there no end to this? Do you really care, or are you enjoying yourself with toying with our lives? Does our demise give you entertainment?
All I can wish for is for 2010 and the next decade to be a lot kinder to me. The joblessness has got to stop. The family conflict has got to stop. Debt has got to stop. Loneliness has got to stop. And you, whoever supreme being's out there, has got to stop idling. As the one with ultimate power, I believe you have the responsibility to help us. With great power comes great responsibility, as Uncle Ben said. Please, whoever you are, if you're really out there, please, help me. Help my family. And maybe you can help everyone else along the way, as well.
