Trying to Make Myself Cry

It's been a while since I last cried hard. Now, I'm finding it very difficult to cry. When I'm out there, I always feel like crying, but every time I get the chance to be alone and do it, I can't. I've tried to suppress and suck up all my emotions that it's now really hard to cry. Crying makes everyone feel good afterwards. It's therapeutic. That's exactly what I need right now, to try to let all my worries, anger, pain, and sadness go, but I can't do it. Last time I really cried was when I watched "Grave of the Fireflies." I don't think I have the time to watch that just so I can cry. It feels like I can't do any productive work until I cry hard.

Drama time again!

Wow, it's been a while since I went emo here. Here I go again.

"Death is the solution to all problems." That rings in my head all the time. Sometimes, I just don't know anymore why I still bother with life and its shittyness. Think about it: God's solution to sin? Death. Punishment to the most criminally insane? Death, at least in some places. Does life have a lot of problems? You bet. And what is the opposite of life? Death. Ok, that logic might have a lot of loopholes, but whatever. The point is, life mothafucking SUCKS.

What's so special about being alive? Life is full of shit, yet everyone wants it. Humans want it, animals want it, fuck, even cockcroaches want it. Why? Is survival really that important? If you're dead, you don't have to deal with problems anymore.

I don't know, I just don't want to bother anymore. I'm just... tired. So sick of tired. Yet, amidst all of that dislike of life, deep, very deep inside, I know I still want it. I'd want it even more if there's even a very small hint of chance that things will change for the better. But if one truly believes that the world will be a better place in the future, that is a sure sign of insanity. I just think that everything will just go downhill and keeps going downhill.

I truly wish I have the power to change everything. Just change everything.

I want my recreation.

Rise to the Top

The majority of the population spends all their time grinding and toiling their asses just to survive, to keep living, to put some food on their table. They work so hard and earn so little to keep their mediocre lives going. Why would anyone accept mediocrity? Are their lives mediocre because they don’t dream of greater things, or do they take mediocrity because that’s all they can get? If it’s the latter, then how come a few rise and have the best lives they could ever have? Why isn’t that true for everyone? Why is the majority pushed into uncontrollable circumstances and drowned into desperation, and continue struggling just to keep their miserable existences going?

I want to know how to become a billionaire. I want to know what it takes for me and what things I should do to finally stop being broke all the time. If only I don’t have to deal with my parents’ debts, if only financial problems are non-existent, then I probably wouldn’t even have the desire to make a billion bucks. But I’m just so sick, really sick and disgusted at where I am now. I have nothing going for me. My job doesn’t even deserve to be called a job. I don’t consider it a job. It’s just a waste of time. I have been going to the same community college for almost 5 years. I don’t know what I accomplished in those 5 years. How smart should I supposed to be to have something to live for? How hard-working? Why should I even care?

The Age of Vigilantism Has Begun!

The last few years were the years of vampires, thanks to the gayest vampire movie of all, Twilight. Now, it seems that it’s all about vigilantes: The Green Hornet, The Mechanic, The Cape, and of course my favorite serial killer, Dexter. Yes, the time to stand up for true justice is now! In the movies and TV shows, at least. We’d be fucked if we really became vigilantes in real life, and it’s because there isn’t enough justice going around! Criminals have the right for a trial?! WHERE IS ABSOLUTE JUSTICE?!?! WHERE???!!!?!!??

Oh, and when I looked for a picture of “The Cape”, this is one of the results:

OOoooOOooOOOOoohhhhhh……………

In A World, Where Internet is Not Free…

So there’s been a lot of news lately about FCC and net neutrality. This is very important because all of this will affect every single Internet user here in the US. Surely, I’m not alone when I say that Internet is doomed once these ISPs gain the power to block access to applications, websites, etc. as they please. Moreover, if the day comes that they decide to limit our access to the Internet, that’s the day when things change for the worse. Imagine not being able to watch a full streaming movie from Netflix because your Internet usage is up for that month, or not being able to play World of Warcraft because you have to wait until next month to be able to go online again. At least that’s how I understand this whole issue.

Everyone should not stay quiet about this. Don’t let Internet freedom get taken away!

Umami Burger!

I’ve finally tasted an Umami Burger! It’s very different from any burger I’ve eaten so far. As far as I know, this could be one of the BEST burgers I’ve eaten so far! The patty’s so freaking juicy, and you won’t get tired of eating it, as opposed to some burgers that might make someone nauseous because they’re too fatty. It’s not that big, so one can finish it and want seconds, and it’s pretty high-priced. But it’s definitely worth it! I absolutely want to go back and try the other burgers that they have.

My rating:

Is there hope for the human race?

When I was a kid, all I was concerned about was when I could use our PC and play computer games again. Now, it seems that all I think about is how (without any other words to describe it) fucked-up humans are. The more I grow up, the more I realize how ridiculously dangerous this world is. Murderers and crime organizations running about everywhere, thieves and rapists roaming every corner of the planet. I just saw the new episode of That’s Tough today on G4, and they showed the most deadly crime organizations in the world. Oh, the horror that I saw. The things they’re willing to do, all in the name of profit. Greed maybe the deadliest sin that has ever been conceived by evil. I ask myself, why are we letting these scumbags walk the streets? Why aren’t we doing anything significant about all of this? It’s times like these that I wish I could just nuke the living daylights out of every single criminal out there. Vigilantism doesn’t look so bad right now.

There goes that siren again. Maybe they’re after some lowlife criminal again. Should I be happy that I hear that every single day? I don’t want to be hopeless and pessimistic forever, but those are what’s keeping me aware of the dangerous jungle out there.

To Join or Not to Join the Air Force?

With my constant hearing of my parents complaining about financial problems every single day, I just can’t take it anymore. Probably joining the military, or the Air Force to be exact, is a good idea because that might be my only way to be independent from my parents. Sure, it’s going to be hard, but it’s probably much better than keep hearing my parents about debts and how hard life is. I’m also sick of being constantly broke myself. And most of all, I just want to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

I’m somewhat sick of civilian life. I need some adventure. Joining the Air Force might give me that, it might not. But I’ll never know until I actually join.

Phew, finally.

I finished my storyboard for my 2nd film project. Now on to the hard part.

Also, I just took the 4-question essay test for my documentary film class. I skipped one question because I just couldn’t remember what the films in that question were about. I wonder how I’ll do in that class.

What to do, what to do…

Man, I need to finish my 2nd film project, fast! I’m still not done with my storyboard, which was due last week, and I have a test tomorrow for my documentary class, which I hate. I wish I could drop these classes (actually, I don’t want to drop the cinema workshop class, but I don’t think I’m ready for actual filmmaking yet), but first my financial aid money has to come before November 19. That’s the last day to drop classes. After that, I’m stuck with whatever grade I can get from those two classes. Haay, what a hassle.

I don’t know if I’m suited for directing/producing films. A writer or editor, maybe. Well, let’s see what the future holds for me.

Windows Live Writer Testing…

Well, I just got a new laptop almost a week ago, and I’m trying out this Windows Live Writer. Looks cool, so far. This might motivate me to blog even more now. Time to get emo again! Hehe, no, I’ll use this blog to try to become a better writer.

Anyway, I just took three cinema classes for this semester, including a documentary film history class. HATE IT. I have an essay due tomorrow, but I barely have two pages, out of five. Sigh, oh well. I don’t care about the history of documentary films anyway.

My Desire for a Legacy

Isn't it sad that sometimes, you live life without knowing why you exist in the first place? What the point of everything is? Right now, that's how I feel. It's as if the world wouldn't even care if I die right now. I don't know why I still live in this sad world. I don't want to stay that way, though. I want to be somebody, one who will leave a huge impact on this planet. I want to be honorable, respectable, and someone with great authority. I want people to notice my existence, and I want to have an influence on society. It'd be nice to think that after you die, you've left a mark here on the earth, like a huge graffiti sign that says, "Ronald Sahagun was here."

I also long for a classless society, where there would be no such thing as "rich" and "poor." I wish that wealth was distributed among everyone, so equality on a financial level would be established. That way, there would be no jealousy nor envy, although greed might still exist. Then people would need to learn to be content.

My Blogger Prayer for Today

Proverbs 30:7-9 (New Living Translation)

⁷ O God, I beg two favors from you;
let me have them before I die.
⁸ First, help me never to tell a lie.
Second, give me neither poverty nor riches!
Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
⁹ For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?”
And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.

Posting this is completely contradictory to my other posts that are full of hate and curses. I apologize for that, but I still want this blog to be something that I can vent my frustrations on, as well as my desires and my wishes. I still want this to be a way to fully express myself. I'm no saint, but I still wish to be a better person, and so maybe trying to understand God and the bible more will be one of the ways to do that.

Haaayyy...

So here I go again, having girl problems. She's a 20-year-old girl who lives in Cerritos. She's pretty nice, but I get this vibe from her that she's like Abe and Bricia, in a way that she might be getting sick of my constant texting, and that she could be cold-hearted liar. I don't know; I haven't known her that well yet. But you know, like those two other girls, I don't really have to know her that well. I don't think she really gives a shit that I'm trying to court her. Her friend said she's just going with the flow. But it really doesn't look that way. She said I'm nice and pretty good-looking, but so what? I don't even think she cares whether I try to talk to her or not. Fuck, women are confused creatures. This fucking cycle is really getting on my nerve. Actually, life is getting on my nerve. Anybody know of a painless way to commit suicide? Please comment if you do. Fuck my life...

What to do, what to do...

I dropped two of my classes because I wanted to lessen the things that I think about. And our van broke down again, but this time, my parents aren't going to repair it. That's good, considering that it will break down again, and repairing it is just a waste of money. It's also bad because we don't have a car. We have to ride the bus to get anywhere, which can be inconvenient at times especially when they have to go to the supermarket and buy stuff.

I also really want to start practicing on making movies. I just can't think of any other way to have a better life than to make movies and be financially bountiful. I still want to be a programmer, but being a filmmaker sounds a lot more enjoyable. I keep thinking of the day when I live in a nice house, with a nice car, and a nice profession. I really wonder if that time will ever come.

Time To Do This Shiet! (Part 2)

So here's the continuation of trying to write my story. I'll try to put down some of the characters that I've been thinking of that the main character will be with. So here we go:

1. This guy can materialize two guns that has angelic wing designs on it. Why? Screw you, that's why. Just kidding. Anyway, one gun is pure black while the other one's all white, and they never run out of bullets. He is a very skilled gunslinger, and he also has an ability to "zoom in" and "zoom out" with his eyes. He is the main character's first recruit in the quest for recreating the planet.

2. A girl who can teleport by manipulating the dimensions of space. She can also hide inside a created dimension. I can't think of anything else that she can do for now, but I want to give her a very sad past.

Um, I just plain blanked out. I can't think of anything else, so I'll just continue this later.

The Wheel of Misfortune Rolled Again...

Two days ago, at about 12:20 am, I was mugged by a bunch of Hispanic teenagers. They took my wallet with everything in it, including my driver's license, student ID, and my green card. They also took my cellphone and my money that I just got from work. This is the third time I've been mugged. Why did this have to happen right when my family already has enough problems to deal with? Because of what happened, we probably have to pay $370 for a replacement for my green card. I hope someone read this and comment on how insanely ridiculous this is, because we live less than paycheck to paycheck, yet all the expenses, plus this tragic event, are far greater than what we have. We also have to pay for a surgery that my dad might get, and my mom also sends money to my brother in the Philippines. It's like God is playing Wheel of Misfortune and casts whatever he gets upon us. This is just not right. Am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? Is change too much to ask?

Time To Do This Shiet!

Ok, I've been procrastinating forever about starting to write my story that I want to make into a movie/TV show, if that ever happens. I'm really kind of scared to start it because I don't know where it will go. But I really want to make this happen, so I'll just start putting stuff down here. Maybe just a summary of what my story's all about. I'll do my best to explain it in full clarity.

So my story's about a guy who unlocks this supposedly hidden abilities of humans, which I will call Triune, inspired by the idea of a one God in three Persons. But in my story, Triune means the complete unity of a human's mind, body, and spirit. Once someone unlocks this power, that person gets to live for a very long time due to a dramatic deceleration of aging. I got this idea from my theory that before Adam and Eve committed the first sin, they had abilities that humans were supposed to have in the first place, but God took them away as punishment. Also, the very slow aging due to unlocking the Triune power is from my idea that Adam and Eve supposedly were almost immortal since I think God said in the Bible that if they eat the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, they will surely die, hence, the slow aging thing.

So anyway, my main character in the story somehow has the strongest ability anyone could ever have, which is the manipulation of people's perception of reality. I don't know if that's the right explanation, but basically, he can make people see whatever he wants them to see, or feel whatever he wants them to feel, thus being able to make anyone believe a false reality. Because of this, he starts recognizing himself as the one who is destined to change everything in this world, and recreate it according to what he believes is how the world's really supposed to be. Since he can live for a very long time, he has enough time to plan very carefully how can gain control over all aspects of people's way of living, be it politically, spiritually, economically, socially, etc. He also travels all over the world in search of people who, like him, also were able to unlock the Triune power. I have some idea about who some of these people will be, but I'll post them on my next blog.

Latest Update

So my friend referred me to a jewelry store to apply for a job, which is editing pictures of rings with Photoshop. It took me a long time to do just 3 pictures, but it wasn't that hard. However, I'm still hoping that I get called at either of the other places that I applied to because the job at the jewelry store is "under the table" and most likely illegal, since I have to take other pictures of diamonds from the internet and put them on the pictures of the rings. And I don't feel good about that. I'd rather make coffee for customers than work "under the table." Hell, why do I need to work "under the table"? What's my green card and SS number for?

Also, I really feel bad because I posted a comment on Janine's picture, and it came out as if I'm saying she's fat. Even though I didn't mean to be jerk, I feel like one right now. Sometimes, I just post things without really thinking how they're going to be interpreted by other people. I hope Janine isn't mad at me anymore. She's the one girl I don't want to get mad at me. *sigh*

First Blog of 2010

2009's finally over, thank goodness! It's been one horrible year for most people, but I hope it gets a lot better this year. And I really, really hope that I get a job already. I seriously need one.

So the family conflict is over now, I guess. Everybody's talking to everybody again. I just hope it stays this way for good this time. I don't want to deal with all this crap anymore. But really need a job if my sister and my brother-in-law decides to move out because I have to take their place in giving their share of the rent payment.

Time for me to give some happy news for once. Kobe Bryant's miraculous 3-point buzzer beater managed to give the Lakers victory after 3 quarters of bad game. I'm pretty sure the Kobe haters, if there are any, were probably shaking their heads when they saw that ball go inside the ring. But nobody can deny Kobe's game-saving shots! Lakers FTW!