Sometimes, I try to think of all the things that has ever happened to me from the day I was born until now. I try to put them all together like puzzle pieces, but until now, I still can't see the final picture of my life. Maybe I'm not supposed to see it until I die, but sometimes I just really wonder why things happen to people and why they happen to me too. Maybe I just have to go with the flow of my life, not trying to make an effort to change anything. But is that really living? Is it wrong to try to improve your life by doing reckless actions? Is it sinful to take risks? Maybe God just want me to follow my destiny, to follow His way of doing things. But what is my destiny? How am I supposed to see that path, if there ever was one? Why did He give us the ability to have desires, when we can't have those desires?
I've tried to find work several times in downtown LA, but it never works out for some reason. And now, I have a job at a phone card store, but it doesn't seem like it's the right work for me. In fact, I might quit in a few days. I just can't bear the kind of work there. It's too much for me. Are these signs that I'm not supposed to work at all until the right time comes? When is the right time? How do I know what I'm supposed to be doing in my life? I'm so confused right now, not knowing what I want to do with this so-called life. I can't even remember the last time I actually FELT alive. It seems like inside, a corpse has been already rotting for a long time now.
As a result, I lost any interest in anything. I no longer want to care about whatever happens to me because thinking about what I'm supposed to do is useless. I will never know what I want to do, at least not for now. I do hope this ambiguity of my life doesn't last forever. I wish everything goes clear already, a clear picture of my life and the puzzle pieces that has always clouded my restless mind.
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