My Own Personal Dark Ages

2009 has been a very shitty year for me. I lost my job at Circuit City, and I've never had a job since then. The pressure to find a job has never been more intolerable. On top of that, the worst family conflict I've ever experienced in my life happened in this year, and it all started with the birth of a baby. Or maybe it all started as soon as my sister laid eyes on her would-be husband. And the conflict still rages on, at least between my parents (especially my mother) and my brother-in-law. Both sides think they're the right one. Added with the loss of my mother's job, and my suicidal thoughts became more vivid. How can I still justify living in the midst of all this? Financial instability is the worst curse the cursegiver has ever inflicted upon this family, I think. Oh, and I'm still single and lonely.

And while I travel in this dark tunnel of life, I am yet to see even a small light of hope. If asked where I see myself 2, 5, or 10 years from now, I would say in all honesty, "I have no fucking idea." One of my tenets is, "There's no such as a problem without a solution." But "The Solution" eludes me and my family to no end. As I lay on my bed with my nagging neck pain, I wonder if it is somehow, mystically, connected to all these problems, then the problems would go away if the pain goes away. A very ridiculous thought, right? Especially since the pain I feel inside me is more lethal and poisonous than any physical pain. Physical pain is easier to treat than emotional pain. Emotional pain due to the never-ending family war in my apartment and the never-ending money problems, as well as the never-ending loneliness.

If it happens that an ultimate genius with "The Solution" reads this blog, then I beg of you, help me. I just don't know how long I can take any more of this, but I'm definitely running out of time. If the cursegiver happens to read this, then I beg of you, please just stop. Haven't we suffered enough already? And if God's really out there and is reading this right now, I just have a couple of questions: Why? What exactly have I done to deserve this? What exactly has my family done to deserve all of this? Is there no end to this? Do you really care, or are you enjoying yourself with toying with our lives? Does our demise give you entertainment?

All I can wish for is for 2010 and the next decade to be a lot kinder to me. The joblessness has got to stop. The family conflict has got to stop. Debt has got to stop. Loneliness has got to stop. And you, whoever supreme being's out there, has got to stop idling. As the one with ultimate power, I believe you have the responsibility to help us. With great power comes great responsibility, as Uncle Ben said. Please, whoever you are, if you're really out there, please, help me. Help my family. And maybe you can help everyone else along the way, as well.

In The Land Full of Milk and Honey... or Maybe Not

Ahh, America. People from all over the world migrate to this country with full hopes of a better life. "The American Dream" is what drive them to venture out to this vast land. And after finally arriving to this land full of milk and honey, they find out that those promised treasures aren't really abundant for everyone.

And they aren't abundant for me... yet. These are some of MY milk and honey:
1. a house, with my own little room
2. a good-paying job
3. a nice car
4. debt-less parents

I may have missed some others, but here are four of the things that are yet to come to fruition. And my sister's marriage to a, dare I say, psycho, complicated their realization to great heights. The burden to change this mediocre life just became heavier. The finish line to the great race of accomplishment just got longer. Milk and honey aren't so easy to find in America after all.

Proof That Girls Are Evil

Nuff said.

Feeling Really Hopeless

Being unemployed is really taking a toll on me. I don't feel like living anymore; it feels like life is meaningless now. With all these drama in the house and all the family problems that I'm pressed upon, I just can't take it anymore. I really, really don't know what to do now. I'm very confused, irritated, frustrated, and depressed. I want to take that drug that stops you from caring about anything and anyone. I just want everything to disappear, and I don't want to be anywhere anymore.

P.S. The going to Chicago thing isn't for sure after all. Sigh...

So Many Celebrity Deaths This Year

What does David Carradine, Sarah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays have in common? They're all dead. Why? Maybe it's Kira's fault. Maybe he felt like killing a couple of celebs who weren't of any use for his new world. Now I'm afraid to become famous, but I guess I don't have to worry too much about that.

Sheesh, I really want to get the hell out of this place. It's getting smaller and smaller by the minute. I can probably handle living with other people in Chicago, right? How hard can it be? I wanna move out, I wanna move out, I wanna move out!!

True Blood was awesome today, like always. Hung was pretty cool.

Looks Like It's Confirmed

I'm going to Chicago after my summer class. My chance to move has come! I just hope that my life really gets better when I go there. I think my sister was researching how bad life in Chicago is. Well, I won't know whether it's better over there or not until I actually go there. We'll see, people, we'll see.

Contemplating...

I finally saw a glimmer of hope when I received news that I might be able to move to Chicago. I heard that there's a lot of jobs to be found over there. I've always wanted to move out and live in a different place, and here's my chance. I just hope it really comes true, because I don't want to get stuck here with my family and my sister's husband and all the drama that I hear. We can't live all together in a 2-bedroom apartment; something's got to change sooner or later. My sister's baby is cute and all, but I am not willing to deal with all this forever. I still have dreams and ambitions that I want to make a reality, and it will not happen until I get to be closer to full independence by moving out.

If Only I Could Turn My Mafia Wars Money Into Real Money...

Oh man, Mafia Wars is very addicting, especially when you get a lot of money. Wouldn't it be nice to turn those virtual money into real money? That'd be really awesome and liberating at the same time. No more worrying about looking for jobs, no more brokeness, I'd be able to have a very fancy car and a mansion... aahh, that's the life.

Can The Economy Get Any Kinder?

I have so many things in my head that I need to buy/think I need to buy: buy a car, go to a dentist, go have my eyes checked, buy a better battery for my netbook, buy a new PC, etc. I really need a job so that I can give money to my parents also. I'm so broke right now, it's really depressing. And I'm planning to get a haircut later this morning. All my remaining money won't come back, and nobody wants to hire me. What should I do, resort to prayer? Is that really going to help make my life better? If I asked for a better life, will I get it? We can barely even pay for school. Right now, all I can think about is how to have so much money that we no longer have anymore debts or problems about how to pay for anything. I've lost my faith on prayer. I'm tired of relying on divine power. I thought tithing will work, but it seems it doesn't work for me, or for my parents. There are so many godless people who have successful lives. Good things happen to bad people. I need those resources. I need change in my life, and it needs to happen now. Where is justice when I need it? I want to move on; I can't just keep having this stupid life forever. I can't accept it. I won't accept it.

FUCKING MOTHAFUCKAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking mom won't let me go out because it's already very late!!!!! I'm 22 mothafucking years old!!!!!! I've been out so late so many times already!!!!!! I don't know how their fucking brains work!!!! If I were to go out to find trouble, then I'd have been in trouble a long time ago!!! I've already gone out and come home very late so many fucking times already!!!! Shit, I've even gone out and come home in the afternoon the next day before!!!!!! And they didn't say shit!!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't to get out of this mothafucking shit of a place!!!!!!!! The ridiculousness here is just too much!!!! I wanna fucking move somewhere very far!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, fuck this shit!!!! I want my fucking complete freedom!!!!!!!! My own car, my own job, my own place, my own everything!!!!!!! Fuck, I'm so fucking irritated!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only 3 people greeted me on my birthday... Fuck you all... LOL

It seems like every year, my birthday just gets worse and worse. This year's was the lamest so far. If it wasn't for the 12-pack of beer that I bought, there wouldn't be a shred of celebration on that day. On the upside, though, I just met the girl that I have a crush on that day! We happened to ride the same subway while I was out to pick up some food from a Thai restaurant. She looked way cuter than I remembered! It's been, like, 2 years since I last saw her. I also stumbled upon my former co-worker from Circuit City. Based on his stories, it looks like he's doing pretty well, unlike me, who is still unemployed and broke(back mountain). What a life I have. I just want to quote something that Olivia Munn said when she was a guest on Loveline: "If I were to die today, that'd be cool." That's so true for me everyday. I feel more and more nihilistic as time passes by.

Rising sales tax + Conficker worm = Fuck April Fool's Day!!!

I've always disliked April Fool's Day because of the idea of pranking everyone on that day is just pathetic and ridiculous. But now there's a reason for me to really curse this year's April Fool's. Several minutes from now, the California sales tax will increase. I don't know the exact number, but whatever it is, it is fucked up, waaay up. And several minutes from now, the Conficker worm will be released into the cyberwild, unleashing unknown terror to the world. I just wish both of these are just two big jokes, but if they happen to be real (and I have a feeling they are), then... fuck everyone. LOL

R.I.P., Circuit City. (1949-2009)

My working days at Circuit City has finally come to pass. It's time for me to look for another job, but in the meantime, I just want to relax for several days. Some people, I will miss; some, not so much. But I definitely WON'T miss the customers, especially the ones who think too highly of themselves. They almost converted me into a sociopath... ALMOST...

Goodbye, Circuit City, and thank you for the experience that you've given me. Time to move to greater things. Congratulations, Best Buy. You're the only main fighter now in the electronics retail industry ring.

I wanna trust God, but He can be very cynical and twisted sometimes...

He knows I'm a very sensitive person, and He knows that I gotta try to forget about her. Letting her text me is just... sick, man. If He thinks she's not the one for me, then by all means, as much as possible, don't let anything happen that will remind me of her! I mean, even if it's not His fault that I fell for her, then He must have the power to stop this. Letting her text just to let me see my sister talk to her on the phone about the guy she might be interested in later at night...

Come on, God, if you're really the Good Lord that your followers declare You are, then please have mercy and just take this feeling away. And it would be really nice if You'll finally give the desire of my heart. If there's anything that I'm supposed to do to gain my desire, then please let me know. I know I'm not perfect, but non-believers fall in love, and You just let them do whatever they want. I wanna believe and trust You, so what do You want me to do? Please, let me know... Just let me know... I wanna fall in love and be loved at the same time...

Most Annoying Valentine's Day Ever

2009's Valentine's Day has been the most annoying and frustrating one for me. First, me and my family and friends were going to eat at Cheesecake Factory, but there were so many people, we had to go somewhere else. So we went to this place near our place, but they don't allow people under 21. Then, we tried going to this restaurant across the street, but it's like a Koreans-only place, so we were out of place and just ordered one item to make those people happy. Finally, we went to an Italian restaurant on Hollywood called Miceli's but the food took too long to arrive. By the time we got our food, we already lost our appetite and became very sleepy. Plus, we had to pay $180 for everything, including tax!! Damn!! It really is a "Screw love!" day!

NOT AGAIN...

IT'S THE CURSE... IT'S THE FUCKING CURSE... I FUCKING SCREWED UP AGAIN... I'M A FUCKING SCREW-UP... HOW MANY TIMES DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN UNTIL I LEARN MY LESSONS.... THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.... PLEASE.... GOD.... JUST MAKE IT STOP...... NOT ANYMORE....

The Thing That's Been Bugging Me...

She keeps putting these headlines about how she remembers someone or something from her past. If she's still in love with someone from the past, then fuck, have I been wasting my time? I can't try to get someone whose mind and heart still belongs to someone else. This is really pathetic. But my friend says I have to be patient, so if that's what I must do, that's what I'll do. I can't just jump to conclusions, like I've always done. I told myself I need to change for the better. Fucking love, man...

Rainy Day

Today's weather is rainy. Rainy days are depressing. It was raining too yesterday while I was at work, but yesterday's work was better than the day before. Man, I wish they'd just lay me off already, so I can focus on looking for another job. Oh well, as long as I'm still getting paid, I don't care.

I wonder how Bricia's doing today. I haven't texted her yet; maybe later, maybe I'll just wait for her to text me. If not, meh, whatever. I have to get myself ready just in case a heartbreak ensues. I'm fucking sick of getting my hopes up high too much. But at the same time, I want to be positive and confident. Those might be keys to getting the girl that I like... probably. Aaahhh!!! I'll get the laundry now, and then take a shower, and then deposit my paycheck. Later.

Feeling Depressed Again... Why?!

What the hell is wrong with me?! Why am I feeling depressed over everything again?! This is why I need to find another hobby, preferably something that inflicts a lot of physical pain. Hmm, mixed martial arts? Being a daredevil? I don't know, something! I just need to take my mind off of things.

I believe one of the reasons why I'm depressed again (and it has happened in the past a lot of times already) is because the girl that I kinda like may not share the same feelings. Maybe I'm being paranoid or obsessed, I hope not, but this has got to stop! I really, REALLY need to control my emotions and not let anyone break me down! I've got to stop raising my hopes too high on everything in my life so when disappointment comes, it won't hurt that much. Just like what my friend Czerny does. I don't know if it really works for her, but it's a really good idea. Hey, pessimism is a positive thing after all!

I know how pathetic I'm feeling and sounding right now, but I can't help it. I've been like this probably since the day I was born. Maybe I'm destined to be like this for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm destined to be alone all the time, contemplating all the time about how everything and everyone hurts me, destined to have crushed hopes all the time. Believe me, I try so hard not to be like this, but it's like trying to become someone I'm not. This is who I am right now. Right now, I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm depressed.

Anyone wants to help me kill myself? Anyone?

First Off, Before I Go to Work...

...yes, I have a job already, but I'm going to lose it soon. I got hired at Circuit City, and as you probably already know, it's going on liquidation right now. So, back to job hunting...

I just want to apologize to my blog for neglecting it for a very long time. My last post was waaaaay back in October 2008. I just didn't know what to put in here, as I was too busy trying to make something in my life worth blogging. Well, to date, things got pretty interesting.

I'll just be straightforward. I've been trying to go out with my sister's best friend. It's been good so far; we just went somewhere last Sunday, but I don't know if it's safe to call it a date. It's probably more like a "I gotta know you first" kind of date... maybe. I don't know. She's not the best looking girl that I've liked, but she is very, veeeeryyy fun. And that's very important to me. If I were going to have a girlfriend, she better not bore the shit out of me!

And she's not! She's 3 years younger than me, so maybe she acts a little more childish compared to me, but that's what makes her fun. She still hasn't reached that point where you have to be all serious and stuff about life. Well actually, that's a person's choice; I don't think it has anything to do with age. But anyway, I really enjoy hanging out with her. I just don't know when to break the ice and really let her know that I want to be more than friends. That's been my objective from the start, and I'm going to be very aggressive doing it. But not too aggressive, I hope, as I may end up in the "friend's zone," just like always, or probably even worse.

I hope 2009 will be a great year for me, especially when it comes to love and shit, even though it doesn't look great for the American economy right now. But fuck that, what can I do about it? Time to get ready for work, so I'll see you later, blog! I promise! I'll be back soon! Miss ya! :D